Even paranoids have news networks

One of the most fascinating phenomena for conservative watchers this year has been to observe how gracelessly our friends on the right have handled the disintegration of the conservative era. One example: right-wing congressmen are retiring in droves—as if the thought of actually participating in a deliberative body, not one as procedurally rigged as a politiburo, has become simply too awful to contemplate.

Another example: all the tell-all memoirs. Used to be, the Omerta was tighter than the mafia. But I've read two books spilling the beans just this year—one of them mediocre, the other quite excellent. The enablers have suddenly become conscience-stricken—now that their bosses are losing.

Anyhoo, here's the latest.

One of the producers who put together Fox News for Roger Ailes, Dan Cooper, is previewing his new memoir online. The writing is atrocious, the memoirist an excruciating host to pal around with, but there are, for all that, certain rewards. Like his account of the time he did an interview with David Brock for a critical article Brock did for New York magazine on Fox News. Roger Ailes was not happy. Our hero gets a call from his agent, one of the most powerful in TV news:

""Danny. Did yoo give an intavyoo to Noo Yawk magazine?... I already know the ansa. I got a phone call from Roger Ailes an owwa ago. He told me that until I drop you as a cloyent, any demo tapes I send ovah for talent jobs will sit in the cawwna and gatha dust."

Here was the interesting part: the article had not yet been published. So how did Roger Ailes learn about his participation? Explains Cooper:

I made the connections. Ailes knew I had given Brock the interview. Certainly Brock didn't tell him. Of course. Fox News had gotten Brock's telephone records from the phone company, and my phone number was on the list. Deep in the bowels of 1211 Avenue of the Americas, News Corporation's New York headquarters, was what Roger called The Brain Room. Most people thought it was simply the research department of Fox News. But unlike virtually everybody else, because I had to design and build the Brain Room, I knew it also housed a counterintelligence and black ops office. So accessing phone records was easy pie.

Ailes, of course, like so many movers and shakers in the conservative movement, got his start in politics working for Richard Nixon. (Read about it in all in this indespensible classic. And this indispensble classic, too, available for pre-order at a steep discount.) Clearly, he learned his lessons well.

And what a charmer is Roger:

Let me share with you a story about a typical boy's club meeting on a typical day during launch. Roger liked boy's club meetings, five guys at the most, because we could all talk macho and compare the anatomies of women in the office. I was not macho. These meetings made me very nervous. I had no feats of daring to boast about. Roger had parachuted out of airplanes and injured one of those spit-shined leather-clad tootsies. I was too scared to make salacious comments about women in the office. Like everyone, I had taken classes in workplace behavior. Not Roger. "How about those bazookas on that Indian girl, or whatever the hell she is!" Squirm squirm. "Pussy masala on the menu today?"

Family values on the half-shell!

At least he's candid, telling Cooper—who insists this is a direct quote—"I'm a diagnosed paranoid."

I'm no shrink, so I couldn't say. Judge for yourself:

And so it came to pass that Roger Ailes summoned me to The Crystal Palace, and told me “I want all these windows replaced with bomb-proof glass."

“Of course”, I said, and promptly called Rudy Nazath, the architect who was my collaborator on the design of the entire Fox News editorial and production facility in the building.

Rudy told me “There is no such thing as bomb-proof glass. I don’t even think there’s protective plastic or glass that can prevent an assault rifle if it’s fired up close. We can get the heaviest grade bullet-proof glass available, but what do you need it for?” I didn’t know.

So I asked Roger. “Roger, do you mind if I ask why the glass should be bomb-proof?”

Roger said “Because as soon as we’re on the air, homosexual activists are going to be down there every day protesting". He chuckled "And who knows what the hell they’ll do”. Roger was worried that gays might bomb him. And so The Crystal Palace came to be lined with bullet-proof glass, and hideous shades were mounted inside the windows to prevent anyone outside from seeing in, and on top of the shades there were one inch blinds, always askew, which made The Crystal Palace appear, from the street, like an empty, unused store room.

As Eric Boehlert explained this week, Fox News has well and truly rogered itself this year. In 1999, Ailes placed a huge bet on a callow lad named George W. Bush, all but hailing him as the nation's messiah—and reaped the jackpot once Bush harvested the presidency, all but becoming the White House's own private Pravda.

Then, in 2007, Ailes placed a similarly huge bet on...America's Mayor. Ain't much hope of becoming the official White House network now. How will America's Diagnosed Paranoid react? Watch this space and find out.