Low Flow Joe

There haven't been altogether too many relevant presentations on conservative failure here at Netroots Nation, and I've grown a bit weary of conference-going. So...now for something completely different!

Sometimes I forget, as immersed as I am in wingnut culture, that my fellow progressives might appreciate learning about some of the strange stuff I've by now begun to take for granted. F'rinstance, the conservative obsession with toilets. Specially, "low flow toilets," which are plainly the scourge of civilization—for example to the producer of the video above, which shows one being blown up.

Here's what the Freepers have to say about this most pressing of public policy questions:

The high pressures used in the water jets in low flow toilets seem to make the toilet water aerosolize and spray infectious moisture into the air in bathrooms.

Wanna bet that those Big Sheets in DC don’t have low flow in their outhouses?

Low flow toilets dont make sense to me. They use half the water but wont even flush down pee. And it takes 4 flushes to evacuate a turd so you end up using twice the water.

It's a macho thing, you see, like owning an assault rifle:

In the 90’s I worked in an old building in Downtown Denver. The toilets in that building were the best. You flushed the toilet and it sounded like a jet starting up.

And, of course, the imposition of the dreaded LFT is just the opening salvo, the opening inning of the toiletless future the liberal fascists have in store for us all:

CNSNews.com) - Forget the convenience and sanitation of the flush toilet that industrialized nations have enjoyed for most of the past century.

A growing number of environmentalists are now advocating the expanded use of compost or dry toilets worldwide to combat what they see as an international water crisis....

That's an article from CNS, formerly known as the Conservative News Service. To which commenter "Caipirabob" ("Democrats.. Socialists..Commies..Traitors...Who can tell the difference?") responds, "Time to buy more ammo"; and "Arthur Wildfire! March (LIBERTY or DEATH)" reflects, "I want a toilet that flushes! Since the enviro-wackos have already immobilized most of our toilets anyway, we should use Clinton pots [formerly called chamber pots] and have a special, metal container to mass collect the waste. The container should be on sturdy wheels, possibly with a trailor hitch, because when it's close to full, we wheel the contents to the nearest enviro-wacko neighbor and allow our enviro-friendly neighbor to flush it for us. Our neighbor could even be paid what would normally go to the septic tank guy. But anyone who doesn't pay taxes can have the service for free."

Really. Ask one of your furthest right friends about the figure "one-point-six." They'll know exactly what you're talking about—and you may well get an earful like this: "The flush toilets mandated by the govt are a disaster. The mandated 1.6 gallon flush couldn't flush a rat turd down the toilet. When I move I'm going to the Home Depot and buying a couple of new toilets and taking my old trusty 5 gallon flushers with me. "

The fact that a toilet is but a node in a network, a way station for a common (and often shockingly finite) resource—water—and thus might bear a different relationship to an absolutest conception of property rights than, say, a bowling ball, a ham sandwich, or even a firearm, may be obvious to you. It's not obvious to, for example, the conservative site Metrospy.com, which includes as #13 on its list of 29 Ways to INCREASE Global Warming," the following parcel of wisdom:

13. Hold the lever down a little longer when you flush the toilet.
Since so many of us are now using these tiny, little, girley-man, 1.6gpf ultra-low flow toilets, holding the lever a bit longer to completely empty the tank will increase the chance everything will actually get down. When you empty the toilet reservoir tank, you force the sewage treatment facility to take more crap and water and spend more energy working to process the stuff before it's dumped in the ocean.

Let's ll give the Freeper "Deb" the last word, equating the two most crucial aspects of any patriot's patrimony—"A return to the Constitution would be nice and I'd like to see the residents of Los Angeles County fill Dodger stadium with LOW-FLOW TOILETS!!! But, that's just me." And at that, I'm heading back down to the Netroots Nation convention hall, with the sane and sensible heroes working to take our country back from these nuts.